It is difficult to meet a person who, at a mature age, does not have experience of relationships, both positive and negative. Some men are hard on the fact that their blessed lived or met with someone else. Because of this, there is insecurity, a sense of doubt, and jealousy about the past of his wife.
A man, as a wiser participant in a relationship, should accept the partner’s past. In real life, everything happens the other way around: a person begins to panic, get nervous, make claims, thereby spoiling relationships, kills feelings, hurts not only his beloved, but also himself.
Virtually every member of the weaker sex faced a situation where a gentleman demonstrates loyalty, seems sweet, caring, and after a while turns her life together into a real hell.
This may manifest itself as follows:
- Criticism of friends. Often, a man thinks his close acquaintances are not decent enough, flirting with everyone in a row and forbids joint meetings.
- Constant control. This is expressed in tantrums if the phone is turned off or no one picks up the phone, the requirements for reports for each step.
- Scandals because of the attention of other men. A woman is forced to dress more modestly, to listen to claims that someone looked at her, left a compliment on social networks or tried to get acquainted.
Jealousy as a mental illness: read about the features of the nonsense of jealousy here.
Reasons for jealousy of the past wife ↑
The root of the problem lies in both the psychological complexes of the man and his wife’s suspicious behavior:
- Old psychological trauma. A man who has experienced bitterness at least once in his life from the departure of his beloved woman to his former partner, can worry that the situation will happen again and experience heavy torment from it.
- Low self-esteem. It manifests itself in the insecurity of a man in himself, in his capabilities, qualities. He considers himself not good enough and thinks that his wife, comparing him with his former companion, can break the current relationship.
- Mental disorder. In this case, some factor in the man’s psyche is a factor of undue suspicion. The spouse may not give even a reason to doubt her loyalty, but the person will appear obsessive thoughts that his wife will cheat on him with the former.
- Fear of a possible emotional connection with a former partner. In each relationship, people make plans, spend a lot of time together, they are connected by things, friends, places. And often, as anchors, they force a woman to return to thoughts about past relationships, about how good things were in them. In this case, the emotional connection is not yet broken. The likelihood of such a situation makes a man worry about the future of relationships.
- The constant mention of the former. Some women have the habit of, as it were, accidentally remembering the past of a companion, telling the details of joint pastime — where they went, what they did, and also mentioned the personal characteristics of the former. A man can interpret this as not cooled love, sympathy.
- Maintain past contacts. These include correspondence by phone, regular phone calls, chatting on the Internet. This undoubtedly leads to jealousy, as it can mean that the relationship is not over.
Regarding former partners
- Worth prudence and do not make a scandal. No need to make forget the former companion. Time heals and past events will be less often remembered.
- Do not ask about past relationships and about what was in them, since it can reveal old wounds and harm marriage. If the wife herself begins to tell, then calmly say that this is an uninteresting topic and transfer the conversation.
Items, gifts from the past
- Do not force your favorite to throw away donated items.. A gift can be useful for her and if her husband does not like it, it is not necessary to throw it away or give it to someone. Need to respect the personal space of a partner.
- Talk to your beloved. Calmly, without hysteria, explain that the storage of the donated items by the wife brings unpleasant emotions and ask to remove them not to wear.
Lifestyle before marriage
- Work on yourself. A great way to defeat an unpleasant feeling of jealousy is to put your own thoughts and feelings in order. It is necessary to understand that if a woman has done something in the past, it will not necessarily be in a new life.
- Give a new feeling. You do not need to go there and rest as your wife did with her former partner. On the contrary, it should give her new emotions and impressions, open another world. This will allow her to forget the past and plunge into a new reality.
Children's jealousy as a means of fighting for attention. On the signs and characteristics of jealousy child read here.
What if the guy is very jealous without a reason? Read on.
Exercises and advice of a psychologist ↑
In order to win the jealousy of the wife’s past, you need to show a lot of effort, but the work done will bring peace to the relationship, restore peace and harmony, save the husband from suffering:
- Understand that the past remains with man forever. You can not forget the events of the former life. People and situations remain in memory for life. The most correct option, taking care of the nerves and health - to take all that was loved and let go of the situation. Do not worry too much, because if in the last marriage everything was good, the relationship would not end.
- Take drastic measures. If it is impossible to wean a woman through a diplomatic way of communicating with the former, then it is worthwhile to display masculine qualities and explain to the wife in a tougher form, which is unpleasant when a loved one is in past relationships and continues to communicate with the former. In some cases, it is effective to deliver an ultimatum. He will make it clear exactly who is important to the girl. When a loved one refuses to stop flirting with the former, then it is worth thinking about whether such a marriage is necessary.
- Take care of yourself. A woman instinctively reaches for a successful man. Instead of spending time on surveillance or phone research of the faithful, it’s better to plunge into work, start earning more money, sign up for a gym, dress more beautifully, become an interesting conversationalist, get a new education. This will make you feel more confident, overcome jealousy and worry less about some kind of ex.
- Need to have self-esteem and do not stoop to peeping at the phone at night and scandals. Man is not painted. Jealousy is a feeling that has nothing to do with love.
- At first, it is better not to take any action. and see what happens. If the wife continues to provoke jealousy, even if unconsciously, then it is worth communicating her displeasure to her. No need to follow her bad behavior and in retaliation arrange an affair on the side. This is low for a man.
- If the conversation "heart to heart" does not bring resultsthen it is worth thinking about the future expediency of the relationship. In any case, you need to act only when there is a real reason to doubt. In other cases, jealousy does not give life, leads to a loss of emotional balance and tranquility, and then to a decrease in health, quality of life and the destruction of the beautiful feeling of love.
Video: Jealousy to the past partner
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Jealousy after treason
If your second half has changed you at least once, then jealousy in this case can get out of control. You begin to be jealous of literally everything: to the past, acquaintances, co-workers, bystanders. The fact is that after treason in a relationship, trust is lost. And without trust, living with a person becomes much harder.
At this point, you should weigh the pros and cons and think about the advisability of continuing your relationship. Most people, after adultery, most likely will not be able to forgive their soul mate. Yes, and how can you forget such a terrible act .. You can forgive, you can; you can not forget!
How to get rid of jealousy of the past?
To get rid of jealousy of the past, you need to learn how to value your second half. Your lighter feeling should not be blown away by a draft of doubt. No problems should weaken your feelings for each other! And even if there are any misunderstandings in life, problems, try to solve them not only with your mind, but also with your heart.
Right now you are sitting, reading this article, looking for the answer to your question: “How to get rid of jealousy of the past? How to forget all that your girl had before you? How to forgive what she did? ” Now imagine that your spouse has gone somewhere, gone, or God forbid something happened to her? What do you feel? That's the same thing! Take care of your relationship and do not fool your head with what was in the past!
Jealousy for the girl's past
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I understand perfectly well that nothing is perfect, this is simply not possible. what seems ideal for some, quite different for others. I understand that this is the past, no matter how it was there.
I try to get rid of these nonsense, but I do not quite succeed ((I can see something or something, and again the same thing.
It is not very pleasant and painful for me, it is unbearable ((Yes, there is self-doubt. It always was, it just so happened.
How to beat jealousy of the past?
The more you think about events from the past, the more anxiety will grow, it will begin to feed itself.
2. Increase self-esteem.
Remember - if you can not change the situation, change the attitude towards her. The problem is not in the past, but in our distortion of it. You have a lot of work to do to increase your self-esteem and reduce the fear that your partner will find someone “better”. Deep down, we worry about our partner’s past, because we’re afraid of losing him in the present. Think about what you don't like about yourself - you probably think that your partner doesn’t like these features either. Engage in self-improvement.
3. Stop condemning.
Jealousy of the past often also has a strong element of conviction. Perhaps your partner has done something in the past that hurts you or causes anger. Therefore, it is extremely important to work out and eliminate this condemnation.
So here are three keys to recovery: work on self-esteem, stop condemning your partner and try not to fall into the trap of excessive thinking about the past, and soon you will feel how the torments of jealousy start to leave you.
Jealousy as manipulation
Jealousy of the past can sometimes be regarded as manipulation method.
A jealous man tries to develop a sense of guilt, he wants to manage it, make it more dependent on himself.
At the same time, he also shows a desire to show the woman how he suffers, and let her suffer through her torment.
Jealousy towards the past also develops as a result of attempts to “pull up"The chosen one for her expectations, especially when she does not justify them, and hopelessness makes your jealous man even more dizzy, driving him to distraction.
Jealousy can also occur when a wife or girl is just happy in itself: for example, in work, or found some interesting occupation for myself, which even sometimes not paying attention on her man
And he makes her suffer to restore the balance of this world, because he is bad ...
Harm jealousy for real relationships
One way or another, but further life with such baggage from the past more and more turns into hell, because any jealousy makes discord in relationships, leads to scandalsand often even to breaking.
because need to stop in time, for the time being everything has not flown into the abyss. To do this, consider in more detail how to combat jealousy.
leading to victory over jealousy of the past, call for:
- realize reality and take a sober look at thingsbecause the man also had a relationship, and this is normal! And if the girl had no one, it could have caused another problem: “nobody liked her,” “nobody needed her.”
- Avoid questions about the past, as well as their own storiesthat do not lead to anything but pain. We must try not to remember and not to remind her about it.
- admit to your jealousy and learn to control it - a wise decision, but it is not for everyone
- learn to respect your partnerbecause a strong bond is built on respect
- do not forget that no one has the right to condemn his chosen one for his past, to blame him in his former novels, because this is someone else's personal life!
It should say to yourself: this past! You cannot return to it, you cannot correct it, delete it - you just need to learn how to live with it. because it is!
From a psychological point of view, jealousy - is the result of self-doubtwhose roots are hidden in childhood.
Perhaps the parents underestimated their child, and in adulthood he feels inferior.
In this case, you need to apply the techniques work on confidence in yourself, sign up for a visit to to the psychologist etc.
What to think during a fit of jealousy
During the next attack of jealousy, a man should think that his partner is with him, which means she is better.
One should look not into the past, but into the future, make plans and realize them only with good thoughts, and then happiness and harmony will return to relationships.
You need to please what it is, and appreciate it, and not poison it, and her own life.
In moments when unpleasant pictures appear in the imagination, it is necessary to analyze them, to try to understand oneself and the meaninglessness of one’s jealousy. Good way too - just get away, do some kind of sport or art!
Left alone in the room, let the jealous man also remember his past, and there may have been much more episodes in which he tormented his girlfriend.
Of course, the ideal- This is when he is her first and only, then there is no reason to be jealous of the past, except for the fact that some boy in kindergarten shared a piece of cake, or at school - he brought a briefcase. You can be jealous of the first kiss, if you really have nothing to do ...
Dear men! Even if your girlfriend or wife had a relationship with you, maybe even God forbid, not alone (!), You need to treat this with understanding. After all, it is not her fault that she met someone else, not you. Yes, and you are no longer boys! Think about the fact that she now may also suffer from jealousy of your eventful past ...
And remember: the main thing is to go hand in hand and fight with your problems and fears together, not alone. After all, we are not wolves!
Experienced men often get impressionable, emotional persons in their life companions. Speaking in the language of system-vector psychology, visual and skin-visual girls. Being unable to resist the temptation to turn on their rich imagination, and sometimes just not knowing how to keep it under control, such girls in colors imagine being loved with the former. Remember, "But I like it?" Does it feel the same when she calls your name? ”(“ Tell me, she kisses you the same way as I kissed? And when she calls you by name, do you feel the same as with me? ”). The monologue from the song of the legendary ABBA “The Winner Gets It All” is repeated many times, not only with the departed man, but with that which is near and in the past tense.
“Who, instead of me, fell asleep there, on your shoulder ?!” thousands of women ask their partners, almost word for word repeating the lines from the song of Julia Savicheva. A man who does not understand the reasons for these inquiries, tries to get away from the answer, laugh it off, change the subject ... Why does she need it if this is not an anal woman asking in detail about the past? Why stir up the past, if there is a wonderful present, and this man, on whose shoulder someone else had once fallen asleep, is always here now? There are actually not many reasons, and all of them are directly or indirectly related to the emotional needs of a woman with a visual vector.
First of all, it is the need for feelings, the thirst for emotions, if you want, emotional hunger. Which can be especially acute, if the visual girl got into the partners a calm and balanced man - the owner of the anal vector, for example. Such men are often stingy with emotion, patient and restrained. And they are all good, except for one thing: with this one can easily die of boredom.
And here the visual girl who needs emotional outbursts, like the H2O flower on a hot day, begins to look for reasons to “poem”.And why not a previous love story beloved? I stumbled upon a photo in a computer where, against the background of the sea surf, he hugs a slim blonde in a blue bikini, and at the same time the vigilant imagination helpfully throws up all sorts of “hot” pictures from which the eyes instantly find themselves in a wet place ... , then, hand in hand, rush into the gushing surf, then swim naked in a transparent pool near the bungalow, etc. The husband’s past comes alive in front of his eyes, the imagination draws the missing details. Well, how can you not be jealous? And now the spouse is waiting for tears and reproaches at home: “But you didn’t take me to the sea!”, “Who is this blonde, why didn’t you tell me anything?”, “Does she have a better figure than mine?” loved more ?! ”and so on
Impressive persons in bright colors represent their partner in the arms of the "former". What if it was a more romantic and tender relationship? What did she call him? And what gentle words did he tell her? Did he really call him a mouse, just like me ?! Or maybe even kissing in the neck? Oh ... Such thoughts are quite capable of breaking the sensitive heart, if you let them drift. Again, all these strange questions and baseless reproaches can freak out (“Darling, I didn’t know you yet!”) Who has even the most angelic patience.
Orthodox psychologists in this situation begin to talk about jealousy complexes, about her insecurity or lack of confidence in a partner, about the fear of losing him, about the inferiority of comparing themselves with the mythical rival, etc. And, perhaps, partly they are right. However, the deep reason still lies in the unfulfilled needs of women in experiences. And past relationships, interpreted at a certain angle, can become a source of very piquant and exciting emotions and passions ... It seems there is no reason to be jealous of my husband for the past, but how to deny yourself this?
But does a man need it? Is this really necessary for a woman herself? Probably, family life can be a "volcano of passions" and without archeological excavations in the past of an "experienced man"? Answers can be obtained only by fully understanding the true causes of this painful jealousy, characteristic of some exalted visual persons.
Woman with the past
A woman with a past has a completely different life scenario. Often much more tragic and unpleasant. Since the role of the jealous man is most often a man with an anal vector, and this is the same vector that even the most phlegmatic husband can turn into a corrosive Jesuit. If the wife tells about her past experience, then such traits of the anal person as thoroughness, methodicalness, desire for thorough knowledge of the subject, perseverance and perseverance (read - stubbornness), combined with jealousy of the past of her chosen one, can transform even the most sublime and pure relationship in a nightmare in reality.
After all, if the annalica suspected his girlfriend (wife) that before meeting him, she had some kind of intimate life, and this greatly grieved him, he would not be limited to standard questions about “who was this?” And “how long you met?". Again and again he will try out all the new intimate details, starting with the date on which they first kissed the date, ending with the postures in which his woman once had sex with previous partners ... This is not an exaggeration, there are many such cases, and Unfortunately, many of these stories last for years (!), causing pain to both the woman and her anal partner, who behaves in such relationships like a sadomasochist.
If you look at the situation impartially, it becomes obvious that practically every woman of childbearing age in our time is a woman with a past. In the sense that by the time of a happy meeting with the “beloved and only” in her love portfolio there are from two or three to a couple of dozen novels. There is nothing you can do, the times are - people search for themselves, taste life, not clinging to a relationship with the first person they meet, but looking for a person who will meet their inner needs and expectations. Often such searches take a lot of time, representing a series of meetings and partings. Well, since multi-part festivities by the hand have long been out of fashion, most of these fleeting meetings are accompanied by intimate relationships. You can condemn it or express regret, but not to admit this fact is just silly.
No, of course, there are girls who “watch” their innocence by embroidering the benchmarks in the luminaries in anticipation of their betrothed. But there are fewer and fewer of these with each new generation, the bill has long gone up to one. And blaming her darling for the fact that she “cheated” with someone who was before, is simply ridiculous, even if the wife herself told about her past experience.
However, the peculiarity of the owners of the anal vector is a peculiar look at female morality. For example, anannals subconsciously (or even consciously) divide women into "dirty" and "clean." Dirty are depraved, dissolute, dishonest, defiled honor, slut and prostitute. Pure - the exact opposite: meek, honest, sublime, decent, chaste, worthy of a snow-white bridesmaid dress and anxious love. The most dear and close person - the wife - I want to see, of course, clean. A "dirty", they are not women at all, so, whores, for one night, to meet the vile lusts. Many representatives of the anal vector, by the way, quite seriously do not consider trekking a prostitute to be a betrayal. Well this is a dirty woman, do not confuse God's gift with scrambled eggs. I satisfied my dirty lust with her, cleaned up and flew on the wings of love for my spotless little angel who sleeps at home on the ironed fragrant sheets.
And suddenly it turns out that the “angel” had some kind of life before meeting him, with the only one who brought it to the pedestal of love and respect. Some foreign men pawed his “pure” and immaculate wife and even, scary to say, had sex with her! Anannick from such thoughts already all boil inside! How so! Only he has the right to touch his wife! Maybe they forced her? And in fact she did not want to? Maybe she did all this through force, only at the insistence of these lustful dorks? There can not be such that she herself wanted this debauchery!
And begin questioning, that yes how. The whole woman will pull the whole soul out of her woman, but she will achieve sincere confessions. And having achieved, he begins to reproach and shame, right up to scandals and leaving the house with slamming doors. All this looks like a tale of Bluebeard, in which curious wives opened forbidden doors, contrary to the instructions, for which they paid a fierce price.
At one of the forums devoted to the problems of relationships, I somehow came across an absolutely amazing confession of an anal jealous man. I will not give it completely, just to quote a small excerpt: “... I met a nice, modest girl, they started dating. In addition to her appearance, she liked her modesty, decency ... I learned that before me she had lived with a man for a year. And I have a fad: the wife must be innocent! But I decided to overcome our complexes, we began to live together ... I was interested in her past life, and in the process of our conversations on the intimate side of the past, she admitted that she had 4 men! At first it became disgusting, and I wanted to break off our relationship, but I could not leave. Tried not to think about it, we got married. But recently I found several photos of her with young people. He asked, is it one of the former? She denied. I am a very suspicious person, and it is difficult to deceive me! I again leaped jealousy, and I began to climb into the dirty laundry. I took out her soul, and she told everything ... "
What-what, and the analics are able to “take out the soul”. And how they do not get tired endlessly "drip on the brain"? The anomalousness and stubbornness of the analica, which set itself the goal of making confessions, is somewhat reminiscent of ancient Chinese water torture, in which a person was tied so that he could not move his head, and in complete darkness on his forehead very slowly, hour by hour, day after day , water was dripping at the same point ... And they don’t think that if you repeat the same thing day after day, for example, to demand from your wife detailed stories about what happened in her bed before they met, then early or later a person may explode and slander be the three boxes with false accusations, if only the "investigator" behind. Although for the wife this is definitely a losing decision, because it will not lag behind, this is not the case. The second series will go accusations and accusations.
Here is another confession of a jealous husband: “I know that my wife loves me, she is a very homely and cozy person. But how can I imagine what she did in bed before me, losing my mind! I’m getting harsh, rude, rude to her, and I can’t do anything about it ... It’s terribly unpleasant to imagine her in bed with others, they all seem dirty and vile to me! Probably, if someone who has great authority in me, told me that my wife, going to bed before marriage, thought that she was doing the right thing (because she was not brought up like my sister and I), then I would easier. "
Interestingly, the man calls imaginary rivals “dirty and vile”. In order not to tarnish the bright and clean image of the “homely and cozy little man,” the husband subconsciously blames all the responsibility for the pre-marriage pranks of his wife on her previous partners. Jealousy for the former eats it. No less interesting is the reference to the authoritative person. For analnikov very important opinion respected people. They are subject to the influence of authorities and are even able to come to terms with their own suspicions and obsessive thoughts, if someone with sufficient influence says that there really are no reasons for anxiety. But can anyone be sufficiently authoritative when it comes to his wife's past love relationships ?!
This is how jealous people with anal vector suffer and torment their “wives with the past”. It is completely groundless and. After all, now she is next to him, with her chosen one, and does not think about any of her previous passions. Although obsessive jealousy and exhausting the soul of questioning and reproaches are able to do their dirty deed. Tired of unreasonable jealousy and cavils, a wife can begin to wonder if she needs a relationship in which she is not trusted and endlessly reproached with something that has long been under control. And then the jealous husband risks getting not far-fetched, but real reasons for experiences and worries ...
“Everything that sang, everything that melted, everything had long since decayed,” Pyotr Leshchenko sang in his famous romance. But, alas, for many the past has not sunk into oblivion at all, and some “old love” of a beloved spouse or beloved husband still seems to be “more alive than all living”. To live with jealousy for the past relationship of a loved one, and the more so to build a harmonious relationship with him under the yoke of this soul-sinking feeling is not an easy task. Isn't it easier to get rid of the curse of the past? Moreover, there is a tool that eliminates jealousy of the past by an order of magnitude more effective than spells and magic rituals - this is knowledge of system-vector psychology.